Join us June 12 for the
Contestant #1:
Name: Brian Z "The Lint Trap"
Age: Young as he feels
Height: .0024 Kilometers
Weight: 124 lbs.
Status: Yes ladies, he’s SINGLE!!
Bio: An introvert by nature, this strapping young buck enjoys quiet games of chess and similar intellectual pursuits with his dyslectic tea cup poodle, Boopy. Brian once built a full-scale log cabin made entirely of bacon, and then ate it. He is an ordained minister for the Church of Self-Realization and he enjoys virgin mimosas, jumping in puddles and tic-tac-toe, though he has never finished a game. “Mr. Z” often squints to cover up the fact that he has two fake eyes and has had his hat surgically attached to his head because he loves the feel of cotton on his bald pate. Fun fact; he is allergic to crayons and has eaten his weight in pinwheels. Talents include chainsaw juggling & professional modeling. In an unrelated side note, he is missing his right foot and no longer juggles. I think we can all agree, Brian’s ready to belly up to the bbq and smoke the competition.
Age: Older than his teeth but younger than his hair.
Height: 32 pica liters
Weight: 29 stone
Hometown: Bald Knob, Arkansas (yes, this is a real city…look it up!)
Bio: Contestant number two is a strict vegetarian who professionally manages a chain of speakeasies for senior citizens who love the Charleston. He’s most comfortable in a string bikini but prefers to wear them backwards. Stuart is a former GQ magazine editor and models women’s socks part-time. He is the world’s first male nun. He enjoys shooting muskets using no hands (use your imagination) and hates the color purple. Not the movie (he loves Oprah), the actual color. Naturally he is wary of the colors red and blue as he feels they are suspect by association. His hobbies include swimming in above ground pools with narcoleptic otters and playing lead kazoo in his all girl swing band, the Left Handed Floozies. Fueled by gallons of bathtub gin and smelling slightly of damp otter, Stuart is ready to drown the competition!
Age: Legal
Height: Just tall enough to go on the rides
Weight: 89 bags of Cheetos
Hometown: Diddleme, Tennessee
Bio: Ben is a man of many faces, none of which are all that pretty. However, all of his faces crave the adventure that has come to define this father of nineteen. When not adding to his collection of bikes and Converse shoes stolen from small children, Ben has devoted his life to
solving the mystery of Altoids, the curiously strong mints; A pursuit that has cost him all but two of his taste buds. Coincidentally, Ben is forced to keep a strict diet of Cheetos and Laffy Taffy.
Protein makes him gassy so he sticks with anything high in MSG and yellow dye number 5. Ben is the only man who has ridden in the Tour De France with training wheels and streamers on his bike, a fact that got him immediately disqualified, resulting in a spiraling depression and ultimately his all consuming addiction to Mentos, the fresh maker, candies and three years in a one-man show where he reenacted every Mentos commercial in less than 3 seconds. Overcoming these obstacles with the help and expert advice of his best friend, angry DMV employee, Agnes Crotchety, Ben has once again mounted his, or his next door neighbor’s kid’s, bike, and is out to ride down the competition.
Age: Younger than he looks
Height: 10,586 centimeters
Weight: A pallet of Tennis Balls
Hometown: Euphoria, Tennessee
Bio: Darren has always been a “Glass half full” kind of guy who tends to view life through rose colored glasses. Having grown up in a daffodil factory in Tennessee, he feels that life is one big bouquet of flowers. Darren is what some might call non-conventional; Rather than drinking coffee, he wakes up with a tall cup of sunshine every morning. He sleeps on a bed of nougat, uses a marshmallow for a pillow and a blanket made of taffy and has been known to wear giant peeps candies for slippers. He dreams only of rainbows and it is said that when he sneezes, glitter comes out. He is the inventor of edible suspenders made of liquorish and takes much pride in his beanie baby collection and has even gone so far as to crochet tiny colorful beanies for each and every one them, which he lovingly refers to as beanie baby beanies. (try saying that ten times, fast) In his free time, Mr. P takes lead mic in his whispering acapella band, “blissful butterflies and bashful bumble bees” and is also known for his charitable work, nursing sick slugs back to health. He has a full-scale stuffed animal zoo in his back yard and hosts a dating website for black widows. So, although he may not have a tough, rugged exterior like some of our other competitors, it is certain that he will, as he always does, make the most his experience, all the while stopping to smell the flowers along the way.
Age: He’s older than his own mother.
Height: Taller than you might not consider the possibility of agreeing with the not quite negative assertion of.
Weight: Three pairs of shoes.
Hometown: Polecraven, Nevada.
Bio: Ray is the founding member of NUF; the Nude Unicyclists Foundation, in Hoboken, New Jersey; a passion that stems from his fear of anything with more than one wheel. Fun Fact: Ray has had 32 pounds of moles removed from his back which he used to reupholster all the furniture in his living room. Ray has abnormally small hands that force him to drink solely out of thimbles and shot glasses and prohibit him from wearing watches, as they fall right off. A positive result of his small hands is that he is able to create startlingly realistic busts (mainly of hero, Richard Simmons) made entirely of earwax. Because of his distaste for asymmetry, Ray also has the unusual habit of standing upright when he sleeps to prevent gravity from pushing his belly button off center. But life isn’t all unicycles and thimbles for Ray. An avid chili connoisseur, Ray eats a half gallon every Sunday before church; and for that, he has since been assigned his own pew. Regardless, Ray is here to play and blow the competition away!
Age: Iceland’s legal drinking age
Height: one torso
Weight: 23 jellybeans
Hometown: Clamato, Louisiana
Status: 95% single
Bio: Rick. What can you say about the man? Seriously, we have no idea. But since we’re expected to know about our contestants, we’ll do some research. Okay, we checked out Wikipedia and here’s what we found out. As you can see from his picture, Rick was involved in a freak accident involving three unicycles and a yo-yo yesterday, the result of which was the loss of his hands, legs and eyebrows. While he felt the hands and legs were a small loss, he was a little self conscious about his facial hair and is therefore a big fan of his brand new eyebrow toupees and likes to keep them in the ‘surprised’ position at all times. But don’t be surprised to hear that Rick is a party animal at heart and upon request will do a great impression of a carrot in a time-machine. Ask him and he’ll pretend he doesn’t know what you’re talking about. Don’t let him off the hook, though. He loves when people ask him.
Stan also tours the country with a group of civil war re-enactment aficionados, always playing the part of an actual cannon. His role consists of laying on the ground, trying to look as dangerous as he can, and shouting ‘BANG, YOU’RE DEAD! ’
When not playing the part of an outdated engine of destruction, Stan also makes macaroni art out of macaroni…and cheese. Cooked Mac and Cheese, unfortunately. We’re sure it is amazing work, but the art is mysteriously consumed before it can be completed, leaving behind a satiated, and slightly bewildered, Stan with smudge of yellow around his frowning mouth.
Watch out for this passionate, not to mention hungry, engine of consumption this year!
Contestant #8
Jeff Weaver: AKA The Hard Hat Hacker, Buzzsaw Sleeper, ‘Ol Pine Knot, or the Dendron-fiend
Location: The Amazon Rainforest
Jeff loves chainsaws. Every since he was born, the delivery room was filled not with the sound of crying, but with the pitch perfect sound of an infant Jeff making buzz saw noises. Ironically enough, he built his first chainsaw in high school shop class out of wood from a tree he chopped down with his bare hands. He also loves to practice his competitive ribbon dancing routines outdoors. And since ribbons have a way of getting caught in branches, his chainsaw (now made of the much more durable paper-mache) often comes in handy.
As a matter of fact, according to Jeff, there’s no problem that can’t be solved by trimming, pruning, or downright cutting in two. Be it weight-loss, financial planning, mangled appendages, divorce, or even the bad blind dates. Although that last scenario often involves the police and subsequent restraining orders.
But when it comes to Barbeque, Jeff is ready to saw through anything and everything put in front of him! Word of advice, watch your fingers.
Contestant #9
Joe:
The Mazel tov Cocktail, The Orthodox Smoker, The Bar-B-Jew (joke), King Kosher,
Rabbi Grillenberg
Location:
Too smoky to tell
This
Orthodox Barbeque connoisseur has a philosophy about life in general: If you
can grill it, you can eat it. This has led to many an emergency room visit, but
it has given him the ability to truly appreciate any kind of cooked meat that
doesn’t result in his being on the receiving end of a stomach pump. And most
of these meats are seasoned and marinated in his amazing variety of rubs and
sauces. Don’t ask what they are, or he’ll attack you with an automated salt
shaker (a-salt ‘N batteries, if you don’t mind a bad pun).
For
Joe, killin’ and grillin’ is a sport unto itself and he does both with a
cocktail in his hand. Or both hands. When that happens, he has to chase down
his potential dinner on foot and when he catches it…well, let’s just say he
refuses to put down his drink until it’s gone, so the next part is only fun for
fans of soccer.
To
celebrate any good meal, Joe loves to get down and dirty with some serious
Karaoke. So keep your ears sharp at this year’s shindig, and you’ll hear this
Hebrew holler your favorite show tunes!
Contestant #10
Jimmy:
The Deep Dish, Pepperoni Tits, The Hand Tosser, The Dean of Dough
Location:
In front of food
Jimmy
has a passion. We don’t know what it is since we didn’t bother to ask. But
we’re sure it has something to do with donuts. And Pizza. And possibly bacon.
Maybe all three combined! Since it’s more fun to guess, we’ll assume he loves
to make homemade pizzas. Probably without using his hands to make it more
challenging. The final product is often a misshapen and inedible lump of dough
that might kill you. As for toppings, since he’s obsessed with deep fried ‘O’
shaped pastries with sugary icing and sprinkles, he probably uses those. And
bacon. There’s really nothing to say about bacon that hasn’t been said before.
We think it’s made of meat.
Jimmy
will eat these food based disasters during what we think would be long walks on
the beach looking for loose change. Or single flip-flops. He doesn’t like
symmetry so he only wears one at a time. You can tell it’s him walking down a
long hallway by the sound alone; flip….*….flip….*….flip….
While
his passion remains in all things round, barbeque is an exception he’s always
ready to make. Jimmy is already hard at work on a barbeque flavored donut
hole. And the donut flavored pizza. And bacon flavored bacon. Good luck Jimmy!
Contestant #11
Joey
M: AKA Chicken Cacciatore Legs, The Drumstick, Thighmaster, The Smoke Ring Kid
Location:
In the back of a Police squad car at the time of writing
Joey
has fused his love of bedazzling and fiddle playing into an all consuming
sport; synchronized knitting. You can see evidence of this ruthless sport in
the countless scars on his lower back and his two fake eyes. On the plus side,
these wounds have forced his other senses to heighten to superhuman levels and
earning him the nickname, Thighmaster.
His
extraordinary sense of taste gives him amazing pleasure when it comes into
contact with Barbequed foods. Which is fairly often since his sense of smell
allows him to detect smoked meats miles away, leading to awkward scenes of Joey
sitting at a stranger’s dinner table asking for seconds.
We
didn’t actually invite Joey to this event, but he has smelled his way to our
table, and we’re ready to give him seconds!
